I AM FAT

I came across this awesome blog, The Plump Pinay just today, after random searches on google and  snooping around Our Awesome Planet. It’s awesome because it’s a blog by 2 plump Pinay twins who are so kick ass beautiful and confident that I instantly fell in love with them. I love that they’re trying to advocate beauty no matter your body type and clothing size. They’re not trying to conform to society’s idea of what beautiful and sexy should be. They’re not model-thin but damn they ARE SEXY! Check out their blog and see for yourself. I feel like I’ve found kindred spirits. No, I’m not plump. I AM FAT. Although technically I am obese, and that’s according to my latest physical exam.

It took me a while to admit, even to myself, that I AM indeed FAT. I wasn’t born fat. I was the normal kind of thin right up to 5th grade. I only started gaining weight when I was in 6th grade. And I haven’t stopped gaining ever since. I could come up with a few factors for my weight gain: puberty, my sedentary lifestyle, love of food, my mom spoiling me with food and not material things, sweets. Lemme dissect them 1×1.

Puberty. I used to have neighbors who were my playmates. Everyday I would go  outside and run around with them, playing agawan base, 10-20, Chinese garter, luksong baka, and what have you. My cousins would even sleep over during the weekends just so we could all play together. But then puberty came. Things became awkward. We were no longer kids who wanted to just play. We were growing up and growing apart. So I stopped going outdoors altogether.

My sedentary lifestyle. This came right after puberty. Since I no longer went out to play, I wasted my time on watching television. Sometimes I’d watch movies too on our VHS machine. I watched the Star Wars Saga and the Indiana Jones trilogy over and over. I was also into video games, Atari, Family Computer, Play Station, and PC games. It was also during this time that I got hooked on reading Sweet Valley, Nancy Drew, Hardy Boys, and all other stuff that I can read around the house.

Love of food. I don’t know how it started but like most people, I have come to associate food with emotions and milestones. This is especially highlighted in this blog since most of my posts are about food. I ate when I was happy, I ate when I was sad, I ate when there was something I needed to celebrate. In general, there is nothing entirely wrong with that but my problem was controlling my portions. I always ate a little too much than what was necessary.

My mom spoiled me with food instead of material things. Our family isn’t well off. We couldn’t afford a lot of things when I was growing up. Whatever luxuries I owned, they were usually given by my uncles or my grandmother. I was spoiled on my mom’s side of the family because for the longest time, I was the only niece and grandchild. Anyway, in all fairness to my mom, though there were a lot of things we couldn’t buy, our refrigerator was never empty. She makes sure we will never run out of things to eat. And she also taught me never to waste food. She will not let me leave the dining table if I didn’t finish all my food. And I guess that became sort of a problem. Because now no matter how full I am, I will finish the food on the table because I can’t find it in my heart to throw away food. I always feel guilty if food goes to waste.

Sweets. As a child, I had a sweet tooth. I was fond of eating chocolates, cake, ice cream, candy, and all other things that are loaded with sugar. I also loved soda. It’s only now that I am able to say no to sweet stuff. I guess that part comes with getting older.

But no matter the reason, the fact remains that I AM FAT. When I was young, I wasn’t really bullied because of my weight. Most of the time I didn’t really feel fat. There was nothing thin people could do that I couldn’t do. Up until high school, I had been so good with PE. I even perform better than some of my thin classmates. They actually wonder how I was able to do cartwheels, and other stuff they thought I’d have trouble doing. Heck, I was even running faster than most of them. But I wasn’t cool and confident all the time. There were times I got frustrated because buying clothes became harder and harder and most of the time I had to contend with ill fitting clothes just so I could have something to wear.

Then college came. I think it was during this time that my mom started to constantly bug me about losing weight. I would pay her no mind because I didn’t feel like there was anything wrong with me. I still felt loved and accepted by the people around me. And in my mind, I wasn’t fat. I would picture myself as a thin girl. I was so drowned into my denial of the truth that as I graduated and started working, my weight gain still continued. With the occasional fat joke here and there, I get self-conscious but in my head deny that it is about me.

My mom hasn’t stopped nagging me about my weight issue. Until now, because I wear what I want, she would always make comments about how fat I am or how big my tummy is, or how I’d be more beautiful if I was thinner. I wear short shorts. So what if I have large thighs and legs? What you see ain’t my problem. Look away If you find it repulsive. That’s what’s comfortable to me so that’s what I will wear. My mom would often ask me if I’m not in the least bit shy about it and I would say no. I have learned to disregard what other people will think of me as long as I am happy. Well, comfortable and happy.

It’s absolutely absurd that I only get teased about being fat now that I am older. But I’ve learned to take it all in stride. I don’t get pikon but I still lacked confidence every now and then. Fairly recently, I have noticed a positive change in myself. I have finally acknowledged the fact that I AM FAT. I can even tease myself about it. I can say it out loud. What was once taboo to me is now nothing but just another expression. Yes, I AM FAT. I claim it. I own it.  And I realized it’s because finally I have accepted myself and my size. And with this acceptance has come the first step into making a change. I have finally gotten the push I needed to do something and lose weight. That may seem confusing. Don’t get me wrong, I love my fat self and I am confident despite of it but I think I needed this acceptance to fuel myself to be a thinner version of fat. I’m not aiming to be skinny. I just want to be plump, with curves in all the right places just like my two new favorite girls, Danah and Stacy. 🙂

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s