I have come to an interesting realization today. I saw G’s pre-nup pictures and in a moment of eureka understood why it wouldn’t have worked out between us. It’s actually a blessing that it all fell apart because it couldn’t have been sustained in the long run. I realized that perhaps, after all these years, I don’t really love him all that much. Why? Because I remember, during one of our aimless drives, he told me he disliked it that I always use dark colored nail polish on my nails. But I didn’t give in when he asked me to stop. I kept on using dark colored nail polish because it’s what I wanted. I didn’t even ask for a compromise. I just outright dismissed his feelings over it. I wanted him to accept me, everything I am, the whole package. Yes, even the dark colored nail polish. I was hard headed. I said I shouldn’t have to change anything about myself for him. Dark colored nail polish has been pretty much a part of who I am ever since I can remember. But he didn’t ask for a compromise too. He just said he didn’t like it and ended it there.
But love shouldn’t be like that, right? How can I even be in a relationship with him when I wasn’t willing to sacrifice something as trivial as nail polish? Dark colored nail polish to be exact. I could use other colors, I guess. Like pink, or tan, or lilac. But I was too stubborn to even consider it. Love really is sacrifice. And compromise. A relationship will never work if both parties will just do whatever they want without concern for each other. So if I chose to hold on to something so insignificant instead of making him happy, what’s the point of everything? I also remember him broaching the subject of marriage. He wanted to marry me. He said he was looking for a sign. I already had the 2, he only needed one more and he would marry me. What if he was waiting for me to ditch the dark colored nail polish? Or rather, what if he was just waiting for me to show him that I can do little sacrifices for him? And I didn’t. What if I lost my chance with him because I valued my dark colored nail polish more than what we had? What if dark colored nail polish was really that of a big deal?
I don’t really intend to find out the answer. I’m already at peace with everything that happened. I’m happy that he has moved on wonderfully. He has found the girl who had the 3 signs he was looking for. It hurts a little that I couldn’t be that for him but I guess he’s just not the guy I’m going to give up dark colored nail polish for. And I’m not the girl he’d wholeheartedly accept, dark nail polish and all. So here’s a note for that random guy I’d still meet in the future:
Dear future boyfriend,
If ever it comes to a point that you ask me to give up dark colored nail polish, and I do it for you, then you can be sure I must really love you.