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Changes

As you get older, you try a lot of different things in an attempt to find your true self, who you really are, and what you’re really like. Then there comes a point in your life when you think you have it all figured out. When people ask you to do things or go places and you say, “No, that’s not my thing”; “That’s just not the type of person I am”. You think you have defined your true self. But then over the years you notice you like certain things again and dislike some things you used to be happy about, or at least tolerate.

Then you realize that defining oneself does not stop at a certain age. You constantly evolve as you get older. I used to like clubbing. But this one time I realized it’s not for me. I no longer like that shit. It’s too loud and rowdy. And most people there are really young, like they’re still high school. I remember I used to say I will never trek a mountain. But then now I find myself thinking of giving it a chance. Because I realized how can you say no to something you haven’t really tried it? Well, except for drugs of course. I don’t need to try that stuff to say I don’t like it. I used to eat raisins when I was a kid. And now I remove them from salads or viands. Now I also say yuck to green peas.

Even your personality will at some point be changed too. I used to be very emotional and pikon. Now I can take each joke as it comes and just laugh it off without being negatively affected. I used to hate myself and had a lot of emotional baggage. That’s gone now. It’s actually fun to look back and see how much I have matured. I only wish I get to be a better version of me as time progresses.

Who I was when I was younger is not exactly who I am at this point. And I predict there will still be changes in the future. My likes and dislikes will still add up or be trimmed down. My bad habits I will eventually overcome. I just hope that all changes will only be positive changes. But that’s actually up to me entirely. And I intend to see to it that I will only go uphill from here.

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My life and all its drama

I’ve always been emotional. And I’d like to think of myself as some sort of writer. And because I have nothing to do while waiting for work to start, I have decided to take a trip down memory lane and gather some of my noteworthy Facebook statuses. Here goes…

  • It is funny indeed how things can change in an instant. In the blink of an eye, what used to feel like home now feels like nothing but a distant dream. It’s as if nothing of it really happened. And you find yourself lonely as ever.
  • Someday, you’re gonna meet someone who’s gonna break your fall, not out of mere concern, not for anything else, but because he wants to.
  • Sometimes, even when the answer to our question is staring at us right in the face, we avert our eyes and refuse to accept it as the truth because it is not the answer we wanted to believe in.
  • Falling inlove is a giant leap of faith.
  • Kung hindi kayang panindigan, ‘wag nang simulan.
  • I saw a lot of stars tonight. And as I watched them, mesmerized, I went ahead and wished for you.
  • Someday, you’re gonna realize you miss me. But when you come looking for me, I will no longer be the same person you’ve learned to take for granted. Because someday, I am also going to realize that you are not worthy of my time and attention. And someday, I will find that someone who will make me feel that I deserve to be top choice, and not a safety net you can fall back on.
  • People from our past come back to make us realize how much we’ve changed, how much we’ve moved on…
  • Too much of human life is wasted on waiting.
  • A chapter has ended. Tomorrow is a new beginning.
  • Love takes only one step. You just take a deep breath and leap.
  • Kung facebook status ka, ila-like kita.
  • Kahit gaano katagal ako maghintay, kung wala ka naman balak dumating, wala rin.
  • There are some people you never completely get over. Time may diminish the feelings a little, and only up to a certain extent. But one smile, a slight touch, an SMS, and there you go, back to square one.
  • Why is the truth so hard to accept even when it’s already flashing its bright red lights a few inches from my face?
  • It’s always nice to see old friends and realize that after all the years apart, nothing has changed. They know you so well that they still get you even without explaining a single thing.
  • How can someone love you so f****n’ much and yet not see it, realize it, feel it?
  • Pulis ako. At ikaw ang most wanted ko.
  • At this point in my life, I want to be with someone who’s in it for the long haul. I have no time for silly games and pointless flings. It’s either you want me or you don’t, simple as that.
  • Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, it can totally extinguish the fire.
  • Okay naman porma mo eh. Pero alam mo ano’ng mas bagay sa’yo? Ako…
  • Ako ay matutulog ng may bakas ng luha ang pisngi, may ngiti sa labi, at sa puso ay may pag-asang bukas makakasama kitang muli…
  • Wala naman talaga akong alam e. Ang alam ko lang naman ay magmahal!
  • Great love involves great risk.
  • Kung alam ko namang matatalo ako, bakit pa ako pupusta?
  • Being in love is the perfect insanity.
  • It’s funny how big of an impact you have on me. It’s like when I see you, you don’t even have to speak. All you have to do is smile, and it can make my day.
  • The rose colored glasses have finally come off. I can see clearly now. All that I have ever believed in about you, all that I thought you were, were probably just illusions I have created for myself. I was warned, though. But I had hoped you’d prove them wrong. But then I guess I was the who’s wrong all along…
  • Everything grows. Including love. And with that growing everyday how can you expect missing him to ever fade away? Everything builds, including our ability to cope with it. That’s how we keep going.
  • Hindi naman talaga tayo nakakalimot. Nasasanay lang tayo na wala sila.
  • All I can think of is my broken heart.
  • Regret is an ugly thing.
  • Hindi ako swerte sa lotto. Hindi rin ako swerte sa sugal. Ni sa raffle hindi ako swerte. More so sa love. Swerte lang talaga ako sa friends.
  • Person 1: I’m in a great place pero di ko maenjoy. Trabaho pa rin naiisip ko.
    Person 2: Trabaho ba talaga o ka-trabaho?
  • Madalas, sa ganyan naman talaga nagsisimula yan, sa tuksuhan. Marerealize mo na lang, gusto mo na pala ng totohanan…
  • Sometimes, the people you care about the most won’t really care for you in the same way. It’s like they’re really ever just there when you see them but when you don’t, it seems like they don’t even think of you at all. It can’t be helped. It just needs to be accepted. Or you’ll end up miserable, pointlessly recounting the “I hope”s, the “I wish”s, and the “Why can’t you”s…

But of course, Facebook is not my only avenue for all the drama in my life. I have also decided to search my Twitter account for more tear-inducing (or gag-inducing?)  lines for all the world to see. So I found out Twitter can’t backtrack to the very first tweet. Oh, so I’ve lost a lot then. Here are the ones I was still able to view:

  • Sino ang mas dapat paniwalaan, yung taong involved o yung taong iyong inaasahan?
  • I still think about what life would have been like, have I ended up with you. But then again, I wouldn’t have met the people I know now, and I wouldn’t have been in this amazing place if that had happened. But I also think being with you would have been a different kind of amazing.
  • I’m dreading the goodbyes we’ll say. But what’ll hurt more will be that moment where I watch your back as you walk away.
  • I refuse to believe that your part in my story is over.
  • How different would my life have been if you hadn’t decided to leave?
  • Inconsistency causes problems.
  • Sometimes you just gotta hope for the best.
  • I’ve been used and abused. But here I am still.
  • That really, really sad moment then you realize that your longest vacation ever is drawing to a close.
  • Bakit ganun, hindi naman tayo laging nagkikita at nagkakasama pero feeling ko ang laki ng mawawala sakin pag umalis ka?
  • Whenever I see you, or even just your name, everything comes back to me in a flash. I feel the pain and the longing all over again.
  • There are questions you can only answer when there’s a beer bottle in front of you. Or any other alcoholic drink for that matter.
  • We’re at that age where it causes quite a stir when you upload old pictures. Then you reminisce about the gold ol’ days.
  • Lost count of how many shooting stars I saw last night but you know I only wished for one thing…
  • It’s not that I can’t make sacrifices. It’s just that there are some things that are too much.
  • Beach. Stars. Sand. You. Me. Perfect.
  • I wish I could be like John Mayer and say that my shadow days are over.
  • I gotta stop caring too much ’cause I always end up being a safety net in the process.
  • Though you already know that “he’s just not that into you”, you still make room for that one maybe… That maybe you’re wrong after all…
  • I wanna be your plus one.
  • I thought I understood. But now I realize that no, I don’t understand at all.
  • I miss feeling like an old married couple with you.
  • Eto na naman tayo, pakiramdaman. Puro pahapyaw, walang deretsahan.
  • It’s hard to act like old friends with someone you were once intimate with.
  • We go together like ketchup and vinegar. It’s weird but it’s really good.
  • Sometimes I feel like I don’t make sense at all.
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Love and Dark Colored Nail Polish

I have come to an interesting realization today. I saw G’s pre-nup pictures and in a moment of eureka understood why it wouldn’t have worked out between us. It’s actually a blessing that it all fell apart because it couldn’t have been sustained in the long run. I realized that perhaps, after all these years, I don’t really love him all that much. Why? Because I remember, during one of our aimless drives, he told me he disliked it that I always use dark colored nail polish on my nails. But I didn’t give in when he asked me to stop. I kept on using dark colored nail polish because it’s what I wanted. I didn’t even ask for a compromise. I just outright dismissed his feelings over it. I wanted him to accept me, everything I am, the whole package. Yes, even the dark colored nail polish. I was hard headed. I said I shouldn’t have to change anything about myself for him. Dark colored nail polish has been pretty much a part of who I am ever since I can remember. But he didn’t ask  for a compromise too. He just said he didn’t like it and ended it there.

But love shouldn’t be like that, right? How can I even be in a relationship with him when I wasn’t willing to sacrifice something as trivial as nail polish? Dark colored nail polish to be exact. I could use other colors, I guess. Like pink, or tan, or lilac. But I was too stubborn to even consider it. Love really is sacrifice. And compromise. A relationship will never work if both parties will just do whatever they want without concern for each other. So if I chose to hold on to something so insignificant instead of making him happy, what’s the point of everything? I also remember him broaching the subject of marriage. He wanted to marry me. He said he was looking for a sign. I already had the 2, he only needed one more and he would marry me. What if he was waiting for me to ditch the dark colored nail polish? Or rather, what if he was just waiting for me to show him that I can do little sacrifices for him? And I didn’t. What if I lost my chance with him because I valued my dark colored nail polish more than what we had? What if dark colored nail polish was really that of a big deal?

I don’t really intend to find out the answer. I’m already at peace with everything that happened. I’m happy that he has moved on wonderfully. He has found the girl who had the 3 signs he was looking for. It hurts a little that I couldn’t be that for him but I guess he’s just not the guy I’m going to give up dark colored nail polish for. And I’m not the girl he’d wholeheartedly accept, dark nail polish and all. So here’s a note for that random guy I’d still meet in the future:

Dear future boyfriend,

If ever it comes to a point that you ask me to give up dark colored nail polish, and I do it for you, then you can be sure I must really love you.

XOXO,

Me

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Meantime Girl

Got this off my multiply blog. No, I didn’t write it. I also reposted it from my friend’s blog, which she also got from somewhere else. It still applies to me after all these years. I guess I will always be a meantime girl…

What’s a meantime girl? Shes the one you call when you’re bored because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear & be a friend. She’s not the one you call when you need a date to your company’s party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night. She’s the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find “The One”. You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She’s not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don’t look at her as a “real” woman, either. She’s not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light. She’s too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable. She doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real” woman does. But she’s cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny & need intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.

You don’t have to wine & dine her because she knows the real you already, & you don’t have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You’re not trying to get anything of substance out of her.She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you & is attracted to you, & that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won’t bother her that you’ll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, & go on a date with the woman you’ve been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She’ll settle for a goodbye hug & a promise to call her & tell her how the date went. She’s just so cool . Why can’t all women be like that?

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t, because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points & all the fun you two have, you don’t think shes good enough to spend any real time with.

Sure, its mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs anyway; she could play the hard-to-get bitch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to. But you & her both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe shes too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or is just a plain-looking person with a great sense of humor.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman. So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, & you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman. You’ll joke to her that she should be the best man at your wedding, & she’ll laugh & make a joke about a smelly rental tux.

She doesn’t captivate you with her beauty, or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She’s safe. She doesn’t want to be the center of attention & turn the heads of everyone in the room.

But she wants to turn someones head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact,she probably has a bigger & better heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to “The Mess That Is Your Life”, and yet she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile & redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I’m a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don’t know the reason, really, and at this point I don’t even care. I just want to let every guy know who’s had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot. And someday we won’t be around.

 

 

 

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Ngayong gabi, malungkot ako.

Ngayong gabi, malungkot ako.

Biglang tumulo ang luha sa aking kaliwang mata nang walang abiso.

Parang nalulunod ako sa lungkot, at hindi ako halos makahinga.

Pero parang mas nilalamon ako ng takot.

Parang pinipisil ng takot ang puso ko.

Pero bakit? Bakit ganito ang nararamdaman ko?

Isa lang ang sigurado ko, ikaw ang dahilan ng lahat ng ito.

Wari ko’y pinaglalaruan mo ang damdamin ko.

Pinaglalaruan mo ata ako.

Hindi kita maintindihan.

Mahirap basahin ang mga ikinikilos mo.

Pero mas hindi ko maintindihan ang sarili ko.

Bakit ba ako sobrang apektado?

May nararamdaman na ba ako para sa’yo?

Malinaw naman sa’kin lahat ng sinabi mo.

Pero bakit ayaw sumunod ng isip ko?

Pinaniniwala n’ya akong may pag-asa tayo.

At pa’no na lang ‘pag bumalik s’ya?

Ako’y isasantabi mo na naman, iiwan, at kalilimutan?

Kaya ko ba? Kung ngayon pa lang ganito na?

Ayokong sumugal.

Hindi ko kayang makipagsapalaran.

Ikaw ba ay dapat ko nang iwasan?

Ako’y masasaktan lang din naman.

Gasgas na ang kwento, mahuhulog ako, masasaktan.

Iiyak, maglalasing, at magpipilit makalimot.

Paulit ulit lang ang lahat.

Nakakasawa na rin naman.

Kailangan kong mag-isip, kailangan kong mamili.

Hahayaan ko bang umusbong ang damdaming pinipigilan?

O tatalikod na lang at ibabaon sa limot ang ating kasalukuyan?

Basta ang alam ko,  ngayong gabi, malungkot ako…